I need a time out

Today was not a good day. I was crabby. I was yelling at my daughter. I didn’t even have to yell at the dog, because when she heard me start on Thing 1, she hid in her crate. I was bored. And tired of picking up the same mess day after day. I was not being nice. I needed a time out. So, I gave myself one.That’s right. I put myself in time out. I put Dora on the TV, set my daughter in front of it, and took a (much-needed) shower. I didn’t put myself on a timer. I just stayed away until I thought I could behave. After all, that’s what I do with Ripley for her time outs.I hear a lot of moms talking about fighting to keep their toddler in time out. Or taking away shoelaces while they’re in time out, so they have nothing to play with. That’s not how we do it, especially for a one year old. Instead of it being a timed punishment, it’s more of a redirection tool. The idea is simply to get her to stop the bad behavior. As a bonus, it  sets up the idea of discipline/punishment for when she is older. It also gets me in the habit of being consistent and following through with threats and discipline. But for T1 for now, it’s just a reset button.

When T1’s misbehaving and needs a time out, we have a spot within sight but out of the way (and what 1 year old wants to be left out!) where she sits in time out. I go on with my “life”, so she can see that her bad behavior only effects her. She has to stay there simply until she can stop the offending behavior. For example, “Sit in time out until you can decide to listen,” or “…be nice to mommy” if she was hitting me. When she gets up, I ask “Are you going to…” and state what positive behavior I want (listen/be nice/pick up her toys/etc.). If she does what she’s supposed to, time out is over. If not, she has to go back and sit.

We started this around 15 months. After one week, all I had to say was, “Do you need to go to time out?” She would either act as she should, or nod and walk herself over to her time out spot. (Yes, I got really lucky. She is a good kid. At least for now.)

The nice thing about this, is you don’t have to become the bad guy with the timer. For example, if your 3 year old has to sit for 3 minutes, but gets up and is playing nicely after one, do you force them to go back, in their minds punishing them for behaving well? Or do you say, “Sit for 3 minutes or until you can behave.” After all, how many 3 year olds have a great concept of time? This way they are in control not only of their behavior, but of their punishment.

I even use this in public. Perhaps you’ve seen my child sitting against the outside wall at Starbucks until she can decide to hold my hand and cross the parking lot nicely? Or sitting on the sand (outside the water) at the beach until she can play without splashing me in the face?

As they age, we’ll change things according to her development level. Not behaving in time out? Go to your room. Or lose privileges. My mom’s foster kids have to sit in timed time out with an educational toy or book, but they are 7 and older. We’re hoping starting early will make discipline easier, but the key is following through and being consistent.

Consistency isn’t always easy. I was sitting on the couch the other day, thinking about telling T1 to pick up some books she left on the floor. Then I reconsidered. If I told her to pick them up, I’d have to follow through, making sure she picked them up. I was feeling fat and tired (being pregnant does that to you)  and really didn’t want to get up and make her pick them up. I really didn’t want to punish her with a time out either, because she was currently playing with cars and letting me rest. So I kept my mouth shut and left the books on the floor a little while longer. Sure, maybe I lost points on consistency of picking up your toys when you’re done playing with them. But I didn’t have to get into a battle of wills to protect the consistency of the importance of listening to your mom. Score 1 for parenting, 0 for housekeeping.

So, today, I needed to be consistent. Grumpy behavior and yelling at others is not tolerated in our house. Throwing myself down for a nap sounded like a really good idea, but was out of the question. So, I used the only tool open to me: time out. And it worked. I’m not going to lie and say we had our best afternoon ever, but we did okay. I even got out our baby pool and sat in it with T1. I just needed to hit my reset button. And now my daughter knows that when I threaten to put on Dora and go take a shower, I mean it.

Lions, tigers and rocks, oh my!

Thing 1 and I went to the zoo today. It was hot. It was crowded. It was a zoo.Taking your kids to the zoo always comes with expectations. Expectations you’ll see the animals. Expectations your kid will be interested in seeing the animals. But let’s face it; the animals are smarter than us. When it’s nearly 90 degrees out, they are hiding in the shade, while we idiot humans are lugging our diaper bags and pushing our strollers (which our kids aren’t riding in) in the hot sun. And our kids may not be in the shade, but they’re at least smart enough to not care if they strain their necks looking through the fence to see an animal who’s hiding in the shade.Today, I tried to be smarter, too. It’s not always easy, especially when you don’t want your child to miss out on the full zoo experience. But I tried. I sat on benches while Thing 1 looked at leaves and rocks instead of turtles and orangutans. I tried to point out animals that were easy to see and possibly would interest her, even if it was just the birds on the path in front of us, but I tried to not force her to look. I tried to take it easy and just let my daughter enjoy the zoo her way. Until we got to the tigers.

The tigers were out near the front of their pen, pacing. It’s a rare sight at our zoo. We were right across from them at the playground. Every adult, of course, rushed over to stand in the sun and watch.

“Thing 1,” I asked enthusiastically (Actually, I said her name. She doesn’t answer to Thing 1. Yet.), “do you want to see the tigers?” “No,” she replied, without even looking over at them, “Bridge.” She wanted me to help her walk across the wobbly bridge.

I hesitated. They were right there! Would she end up being excited if I took her over to see them? I looked at the growing crowd, full of parents arms out pointing to the tigers. Was she missing out on a rare childhood experience? If I forced her to go over, would she tell her grandma about seeing the tigers and talk about it for days or weeks to come?

I looked at the empty bridge, my daughter on its brink. She had been eyeing it since our arrival. This was the first time it was relatively still, without at least two kids jumping up and down on it.

I looked at T1. She held out her hand for mine. “Bridge?”

“Yea!” came her cry from the other side. She always cheers her own accomplishments. Inside, I cheered a little for myself too. Then I sat alone on a shaded bench with my back to the tigers and looked at some rocks in the grass. What a zoo!